Curiosity Kills Meh…

Hmm. I don’t know where to start actually.


Hm Okay then, I did a purposeless searching today. Out of the blue, I turned curious about his past. Next thing I know.. I was in front of my laptop busy clicking next and next and next and next pictures, please.

I dig a thing or two through his account. Guess what I found?

A lot of pictures of him……….. and her.
And they speak thousand words reciting his past for me…

Curiosity kills the cat, I admit. I got killed today.

I have a bit fling of jealousy. It feels like.. ‘Geez, she has much more memories together with him. A lot more than me. Who am I thinking his heart is mine?’

I feel inferior, it’s like I am nothing meaningful for him (compared to her). This may be a bit too much and childish, I know.

But, give it a shot. Have you ever imagined those sweet things he does, was hers. Those imaginary pictures about me, him, and our future, was once her, the same him, and their future. Those sweet words come out from his mouth, was once addressed to her. The love and adoration seen from his eyes each time he sees me smiling because of him, was hers. The devotion and all sacrifices he does, was done because of her. Warmth generated each time his hand holds mine, was once hers. Those lovely and heart-melting nicks, was used to call her. Liveliness he has because of me, was once because of her. Those hurried heartbeat and clumsiness he made in front of me, was once her. Those trips he has with me accompanying, was with her. And part of his life he willingly shares with me, was. . . .

Ah well, I got really killed. And. Staggered……

Those days he can never share with me, was shared with her. I know it’s just part of his past, but past will always be a part of him I will never see myself, whereas she can.

I may look stupid and childish by doing this, but I can’t resist the lure. But..
After all, what I’ve done gets me thinking….

If only I don’t have any ex boyfriend or whatever it is called. If only my first and only boyfriend is him. If only I’ve never shared my days with any other boy, other than him. . . Aku ingin menjaganya dari perasaan yang sama seperti yang aku rasakan sekarang karena foto-foto itu. Hhhh..

Aku jadi merasa lemah, merasa everything I have is taken for granted. Nothing is guaranteed to last forever. So is his feeling… And my feeling. Fair enough.

I may not feel this way, I know. But I admit that I do.

At the end of the day, I realized. There’s nothing like possession exists. I may not let my heart got carried away thinking that he’s mine.

Apparently, he is not.

He is just an angel God sent to accompany me, and God has ultimate right to take it back whenever God wants it to be or let him by my side till the death do us apart.
No such thing like 'really' forever exists.

Tersadar kalo aku harus mempersiapkan hati pada apapun yang mungkin terjadi. Sedih, senang, apapun itu, semuanya hanya titipan. Senang itu sebuah hadiah, menghadirkan tawa di wajah dan rasa syukur. Sedih juga sebuah hadiah, menghadirkan air mata di wajah dan seharusnya ‘juga’ rasa syukur. Jaga hati dari rasa memiliki untuk selamanya, karena semuanya hanya titipan :)





With L
Ms Hope

My thought :)

Honesty
is important.
but,
how well can you accept honest facts,
honest words and honest deeds?
can you easily say 'I'm glad you're being honest to me, that's what matter' ?
It takes courage to say honest words and do honest deeds.
But,
It takes maturity. .
to appreciate honest fact,
and express : 'at least you've been so honest. That's the only thing that matters. We're cool now'

My inaudible shout.

Oh dear God. .
Is this Your way of telling me that he ain't deserve my worth?
If so, then I got the message undoubtedly.
Though it hurts *do you know that deep inside I'm hurt? Bet you don't. . . care* to see how things are going nowadays, but yeah.. It's what we call Life.
In an existence called Life, you can fly as high as an eagle and simultaneously you crash the edge.
I know I was oblivious with his 'this one' trait, with anything, but I don't. I was probably blinded, but I am not.

All I want to say just THANK YOU, I am grateful to see the real you.

No grudge, cause the best revenge is by living well.

You've taught me something, I appreciate it.

I reckon God has more outstanding blueprint of how my life should be, and there's no his name written on it, the most heartless man I've ever encountered upon.


After all, God.
If these all are what best for me, I'll take it, whatever it is.
You know much more beyond my conscience, God.
I know you watch every step I take and every move I made.
Never let my hand off Your hold..


L
Ms Hope

Tasteless...

Oooh well, it's been a very long time since my last post.
Never got something to really write, but I do now. .

Oh well, I got things stuck in my head.
You know what, I feel like I've been set and caught in a trap recently.
I don't like being controlled but I know how weak I am when it comes to the matter of heart.
I want to take over my own mood... Again.
I've been sucked enough into dark abyss of confusion, I hate to know nothing.
But I can never find a book nor a source to look for the answer to the question I've been dealing with...
Days are passing by with smile and lively-look but then gloom, question mark(s), and puzzlement fill me later on.
How long should I be hanging on? with uncertainty. I don't want to give up that easily, But!
But, is this worth waiting? Tell me.

Dammit!!

I am startled by the feeling..
I need someone to talk to.
I need you but you fell asleep..

This feeling is indescribable.. Sigh.

untitled...

Life is silly yet even more confusing.
Flap my wings and fly to indefinite height.
With no one can see me
but I see everyone
Good girl may not be afraid
Stand tall with head facing up..
On my own knees i gotta survive
and my Life must go on..

wanna shout and run. step out for a while!

It is late at night and I cannot sleep.
no reason just cannot sleep.
friends are cuddling with their cushions.
so I stuck with my dearest helpful PC.
i'm telling you this is my random writing. no meaning no point of writing it

i am relieved today, tonight for exact. i have no more guilt. i am ready for whatever it is in front of me.letting you stay behind, enough is enough, no more walking round with my head down i'm so over being blue crying over youuu.. . . *let me sing this song for you haha

and now i am scared.. .. .
i am not certain of what's coming to me. too fast and too . . . simply too fast.i am certain of nothing now, believing what i am not certain of i cannot. at least not for now
i'll give some more time let's see how it is passing by yeaaaaaaaaaaa
rrrrrrrrr
i am sleepy but i cant sleep matters are flowing back and forth thru my neurons with no space for me to have a break and rest for a while.
let's hoping i am not deceived, hoping what i see is not a mirage but a real water stream.
windy as i am.moody as always. dear windman, dont let me down... . .

sleep sleep dear me.
sleep sleep sleep i am tired
sleep sleep sleep as if life can be as easy as eyes blinking.blink blink blink.
good night. . .... . ... .



Love, ms Hope

Loving or Possesing?

Aside of the quote "love and hate are like two sides of coin"
i have a quote generated by my own thought. .
"Loving and possessing someone are utterly different. Yet they look the same"
[Intanasa]


when you love someone...
you won't feel any consternation for a goodbye, no dread of losing him because your love is simply dimensionless.
wherever he is, alive or lying dead; visible or invisible; nanometers or zillion kilometers apart; your love will always be there, willing for eternal waiting.
everything he does, he did or he'll do... none of them is disaster for you and none of his trait bothers you.you'll somehow find yourself easily get used to them and at ease to get along with it. you are perfectly tolerable.loving him for what he is.no complaints, no grouch just courage, tender care, willingness, and LOVE. . of course..
whenever he feels happy, you'll happy too for his happiness. it is a relief for you to see him happy even if it is not because of you. And one thing, a perfect lover will know whether the happiness is real for him or just simply deceiving. your sacrifice is unlimited. whatever it takes to make him have the best.. You'll be happily do it!

but, when you are possessing someone...
losing him is listed in top 10 fear in your life. cause it's not your love but your possession you will never bear to lose. for any reason, even it is for the sake of good things. education, world service, anything. you never believe in the power of love, the power that love is dimensionless. that love is for you to give, not for you to receive back..

i was once possessed. it's hard to get out, cause i thought that was love, a too tender love, but now i have realized.i am free now. it is like I've been given a new pair of eyes, a better one, to see a new life, a better life as well.
all i can repetitively saying is. Thank God



Love, Asa

Things aren't for us.....anymore

Finally. The destiny shows its power.
no matter how hard we tried and struggled, destiny will always be on top.

after 2 years of sweet and bitterness, it has to be ended.
asking why ? my only answer is DESTINY
feels like we're no longer meant for each other, things are rapidly changing and so are us.

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated
(Separated-Usher)

I thought i was ready for the day
but then I realize I was wrong
I feel lonely and lost. .
but I just cannot go back. .at least for now.
lament me for this?you may.

Be good without me.I know you love me, I love you too.
Feeling grateful to God for sending you to earth, that's me
Breath your name in each of my prayer, asking God to care for you. .willingly
Never think I'm irreplaceable
I know you'll make it through somehow

Don't want to say Goodbye, just. . See you again, Later




P.S. I love you

My Mind's Song

Don't know why. I just want to write this piece of art..

I never knew perfection 'till
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday Maybe we're better off this way? It's better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You're scared and that you think that I'm insane

The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can't see it clearly
While you're standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say

Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break

So you're sitting all alone
You're fragile and you're cold, but that's alright
Life these days is getting rough
They've knocked you down and beat you up
But it's just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break, baby

Going for a Fashion Icon

on 31st of December, I went to hospital with my momma, have a check on my coccyx pain.
While we were on waiting room, a dazzling mama in her red stunning dress stepped in.. (jengjengjengjeng.. backsound please) in her 60s walked along with her daughter,who is around my mom's age..

I managed to peek and took a pict, a stolen pict.

With a satin scarf on her neck, Jerry red shoes on her feet, and a Bonia bag, and the necklace,almost forgotten.
So well-prepared for a visit to hospital or, probably she was going to go to a club for her new year's eve celebration after this.
Or maybe she's just reminiscing her good old days, feel young and act young.
I respect her for her confidence, though.

Good Job. ;)